Oh Del Rio! Tell Me Everything You Know
by Coco Cobarra
Summary: Zack Ryder has found himself in a dry spell after parting ways with his girlfriend. He enlists the help of Alberto Del Rio to get him back in the swing of things.
1. Chapter 1: Get Brover It!

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. I do not own the characters involved in this work of fiction. It's a worked shoot, brother.

**OH DEL RIO! (Tell Me Everything You Know)  
>Chapter 1: Get Bro-ver It!<strong>

"Take care! Spike your hair! Woo woo woo! You know it, bro!"

At the uttering of those words, Zack Ryder had wrapped up yet another entertaining episode of his web show, "Z! True Long Island Story". The man was an internet sensation. He was racking up views that went up to the millions. He has gained a rapport with his co-workers who have praised him for a job well done, week in and week out.

It was a special episode this week. As a reward for his efforts, management has agreed to put him on the flagship show so Zack decided to film this episode entirely within the confines of the arena.

But it isn't always fame and fortune for Zack. He was a popular guy backstage but women weren't exactly throwing their bodies at him. They would compliment his videos here and there but they would eventually move on with their own lives and make out with their own boyfriends. It's been weeks since he experienced that with his now ex-girlfriend. If he could compare his manhood, he would compare it to a cactus – it's there, filled with water and nutrients, but no one's really there to use it.

He approached the water cooler, wailing a sad tune.

"_Ain't nothin' but a heaaaaartaaaaache!  
>Ain't nothin' but a missssstaaaaaake!<br>I never wanna hear you saaaaay,  
>I... waaaant... it... thaaaaat waaaaaay."<em>

His broskis, Dolph Ziggler and Curt Hawkins, shot weird looks at the Long Island Iced Z. He didn't seem to mind belting out to the Backstreet Boys with much emotion while getting a cup of water. He reminisced the time his then girlfriend dressed up as Princess Leia and pressed her lips against his for the show.

"Would it help if I told you your ex-girlfriend's father was your dad, too?" Curt suggested.

"Are you serious, bro?" Zack snapped back. "I've only seen Star Wars, like... _five_ times. I think I'd know that that would mean she's found someone who'd let her ride his Millenium Falcon while I only end up with something like a... medal of honor."

As Zack put the brim of the cup near his lips, Dolph gave the Internet Champion a sympathetic pat on the back.

"You keep doing your thing, bro," he added.

Dolph threw his paper cup into the trash bin and started walking away.

"Where you headed, bro?" Zack hollered.

"Double date!" he answered. "Bellas!"

"And?"

Dolph looked over his shoulder and smirked.

"Bellas."

Zack and Curt's eyes had widened in disbelief over Dolph's luck with the ladies. Despite his recent break-up with Nikki, Dolph kept contact with both of the Bella Twins. Granted, their little rendezvous for that night was just a one-off thing.

"Bellas..." Zack repeated as Dolph left the room.

A short moment of silence consumed the area.

"Damn..." Curt followed.

Zack Ryder walked around the arena with the Internet Championship flung over his shoulder. He whipped out the Flip Cam he received from his Morrison-obsessed father and looked into his reflection on the LCD mirror. The lack of a special woman in his life never stopped him from being conscious of his physical appearance. He felt up the rugged nature of his jaw and immediately thought of shaving it that night. He patted his spiked up hair lightly and fixed up his authentic Broski headband. But despite his lively and excitable personality, he couldn't help but feel a bit empty inside.

Bored out of wit's end, Zack propped himself on this big, black hard case containing some of the equipment relevant to the show's production. He hit the record button on his pocket-sized Flip Cam and simply observed his surroundings. He could see ordinary backstage personnel having a chat at one side of the hallway. He could see some wrestlers in their gear, emerging from the locker room, ready for action.

From a distance, he heard a soft moaning coming from the room to his right. He directed his camera to that general direction and watched as the door slowly opened to reveal the former Diva's Champion, Maryse, fixing her hair and pulling down the hem of her sleek, black dress. After stepping aside to check her face in the compact mirror, another figure emerged from that same room. And there he was, Alberto Del Rio, putting his white scarf around his neck and fixing the collar of his shirt. Zack was compelled to keep the camera rolling. He put part of his fist in his mouth to silence him from reacting out loud. Before parting ways, Alberto placed Maryse's falling dress strap back around her bare shoulder and whispered what was presumably sweet nothings into her ear. She responded with a small giggle and tried her best to maintain her balance on her high-heeled Louboutins.

Zack pushed the stop button at that moment. He didn't know how and why that happened but he had a pretty good guess at what transpired in that room. When Alberto turned to the side where Zack was, the Long Island Iced Z's heart leapt and caused him to frantically identify what "acting naturally" meant. Zack quickly set his Flip Cam aside and put his sunglasses on while resting his head on the wall behind him. With his hands in his pockets, the Mexican Aristocrat loomed by the hallway like a shark in the water.

"'Sup, broski?" Zack blurted out.

Del Rio was startled by this approach. He looked at Zack and chuckled as if a penis was drawn on his forehead as a rib. He playfully wagged his finger at Zack and for a split second, gritted his teeth and went along his way without responding to the question. This curious behaviour piqued Zack's interest. He waited for a few moments before deciding to follow Alberto around with his Flip Cam in hand.

Zack watched him make a turn to the catering area. He decided to hide behind the divider and observe Del Rio's actions. It was a pretty populated area. Zack doubted the possibility of any shenanigans going down but it was best to stay vigilant. The only Diva in the area was Eve Torres, helping herself to some chicken pot pie. She was dining with Jan, the make-up lady but after finishing her meal and going back to her station, Eve was left alone. Zack slowly pulled out his Flip Cam when he saw Alberto approach the booty-popping Diva's table.

"Hope you don't mind me sitting here..." he said

Eve scouted the area and playfully raised an eyebrow at the Mexican Aristocrat.

"There's like... five empty seats over there, you know," she replied with a sly smirk on her face.

Alberto chuckled and seated himself immediately next to her.

"And leave such a... _mujer hermosa_ alone at this table?"

Zack noticed Eve's body twitching. She seemed to have let out a random, shrill giggle. As if she was being... tickled. He zoomed in at the bottom of the table to see if anything was happening there. And indeed, he could see manly hand moving around between her legs.

"Not... now... Alberto!" said Eve, struggling through her giggling fit.

She pulled his hand away from her nether region and placed it on his own lap.

"_¡Qué lástima!_" exclaimed Del Rio. "And to think I acquired this custom-made necklace just for you..."

He teased the former Diva's Champion by taking out a small black jewellery case from his inside pocket and waving it in the air. Eve's face lit up as she grabbed the case from his hand and pulled up the necklace to gander at its full length. She was impressed by the precision of the diamond studs lining her name. It was unlike any customized necklace. Given the material, it was an accessory that only the wealthy could afford at whim.

Using Eve's fork, Alberto Del Rio took a small bite out of her pie and daintily wiped his mouth with a clean napkin. He turned to Eve with an overly satisfied grin.

"So... _hasta luego, chica_? After the show?"

Without hesitation, Eve slowly nodded in response and bit her lower lip.

"That's what I thought," said Del Rio as he rose from his seat. He helped put the necklace around her neck and left her with his trademark playful wink. At this moment, Zack pressed the stop button. And he thought Dolph was a player.

Zack fled the scene before any further suspicion arrived. Alberto Del Rio seemed to have the wealth that literally brought women to their knees. What his objective was, Zack didn't have a clue. But he's probably found the solution to his on-going dry spell.


	2. Chapter 2: I Wanna Be Your Broski

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. I do not own the characters involved in this work of fiction. It's a worked shoot, brother.

**OH DEL RIO! (Tell Me Everything You Know)  
>Chapter 2: I Wanna Be Your Broski<strong>

Moments after those scandalous discoveries in various parts of the arena, Zack Ryder overheard Alberto Del Rio and his personal ring announcer, Ricardo Rodriguez, conversing in Spanish at a far-flung area. Zack had the intention of asking Del Rio for advice on picking up women but he noticed the furrowed eyebrows and the unwavering grimace on the Mexican's face. _'Must be something serious. I'll let him finish,'_ he thought.

Zack was not adept enough at Spanish to truly understand the essence of their words. He would recognize certain words like _'encontrar'_ or _'para mi'_ but again, not enough to really divulge their information.

When Alberto had finished giving instructions, Zack watched Ricardo leave the scene with what appeared to be a plane ticket and a piece of paper.

'_Alright, time for the Zack Attack...'_ he thought.

After Ricardo's departure from the scene, Del Rio made a turn and found Beth Phoenix and Natalya walking by, looking dolled up for the show. He locked eyes with both of them and revealed a suggestive smirk on his face. Just before the Mexican Aristrocrat could fully use his charms on the Divas of Doom however, he could hear Zack running up, calling out his name.

"Hey! Alberto! Hey broski!"

Visibly annoyed by his tomfoolery, Alberto glared at Zack as Beth and Natalya simply passed them by, modestly giggling to their selves at his failed effort. Stuck with such a tanned up, overzealous cartoon character, Alberto Del Rio could only rub his temples to subtly express his disappointment over Zack's actions.

"This had better be very important, Zack Ryder," said Del Rio with his tendency to emphasize the names of the people he talked to.

"Dude, it's very important!"

The placement of 'dude' and 'important' in the same sentence did seem quite comical to Del Rio but he was willing to lend an ear.

"I've seen you work your magic on the ladies, bro!" Zack gushed. "How the hell do you do it?"

The scowl faded away and was replaced by a grin. Alberto chuckled, amused by Zack's trivial amazement. It was like a long-time Star Wars fan meeting George Lucas for the first time at a convention.

"A true magician never reveals his tricks, doesn't he?" he replied, rather smoothly.

Zack was stunned. It was almost as if _he_ was the one falling victim to Del Rio's charm. Convinced by this seemingly natural ability, Zack started pleading for his assistance.

"Come on, Alberto! I'll be your wingman! I'll make you my Broski of the Week! I'll wash your cars! I'll dry clean your suits! I'll feed your pet Chihuahua! I'll do _all_ the jobs!"

Alberto was laughing at this display of desperation. He gave the idea some thought and weighed his options. He stroked his chin, playing different scenarios in his mind involving Zack and his spastic and excitable nature.

"Well, I did send Ricardo off on an errand and I'll be expecting him back in a week..."

"Perfect!" Zack replied. "I can be your personal ring announcer then!"

He cleared his throat and curled his fist into a ball as if he was holding a microphone. With much enthusiasm, he put his fist to his mouth and started imitating Ricardo's announcing routine.

"_EL ORGULLO DE MEXICO, __É__L ES ALBERTOOOOOOOOOO DEL RIOOOOOOOOOO!"_

The glaring American accent that remained with Zack made the whole introduction sound very awkward. He couldn't even roll his R's the way Ricardo did! Still, the Internet Champion thought he did a good job and smiled at Del Rio, hoping for a yes.

"Understand this, _naco_..." Alberto began. "You will not just be my personal ring announcer. You will also fulfil your duties as my new personal assistant."

Zack nodded enthusiastically. Before he could open his mouth, he had already been silenced by the arrogant Del Rio.

"Hey! _Un momento m__á__s, chico_," he added, on a rather sombre note. "You want to surround yourself with gorgeous women, you do everything I say. Everything! _¿__Entiendes?_"

"Uhh... _¿__s__í__?_" Zack replied, possibly exhausting all his knowledge in the Spanish language.

"_Bueno!_" Del Rio exclaimed, applauding Zack's effort, returning his ear-to-ear grin. "_S__í__gueme._"

The Mexican Aristocrat turned around and walked off, his white scarf gracefully following his movement. Zack was left dumbfounded in his spot. He was wondering if that was a greeting or an instruction. Alberto looked around and noticed his new employee's idle moment and whistled at him like a dog.

"Zack!" he called sternly. "Follow me."

The Long Island Iced Z paused for a moment of realization. Without any further hesitation, he went after his new master with a spring in his step.

"Take some basic Spanish lessons on your free time, _por favor_," Alberto commented.

Zack jotted it down on his mental To-Do List. He didn't mind feeling this inferior to Del Rio. In fact, he was used to it. He did have the reputation for being the Main Eventer of WWE Superstars after all. He had a good feeling about his partnership with Del Rio. Admittedly, he was kind of jealous of Dolph. Despite Zack's inferiority complex with his career, he was pretty sure of himself as a person. He wondered why, even with his good looks, pleasing personality and online reputation... He wondered why his girlfriend would leave him in the first place.

It puzzled him for a long time. They say "confidence is key" and he agreed that Alberto and Dolph were confident as hell! But Zack was a pretty confident guy, too. So he thought. He wondered what was truly missing in his life. He looked up to Del Rio, hoping for the answer to this unsolved mystery.


	3. Chapter 3: BroTip 1

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. I do not own the characters involved in this work of fiction. It's a worked shoot, brother.

**OH DEL RIO! (Tell Me Everything You Know)  
>Chapter 3: Bro-Tip #1<strong>

The next day, Zack followed his new employer's advice and read through his newly bought Spanish-English Dictionary. He was ready for in-ring action that night and he was just reviewing his vocabulary to pass the time. It wasn't the most useful thing when learning another language but it was a good remedy for the time being. He didn't have the availability for language classes and the nearest bookstore he went to ran out of Spanish phrasebooks. He doesn't know if Alberto will take kindly to his Spanish version of broski. _Hermanoski?_

"Zackree!" Alberto called.

He snapped his fingers repeatedly to catch Zack's attention. The response time was a bit delayed due to the Internet Champion's thought processes. _'Zackree? Who the hell is...'_ he thought to himself. _'Oh! Zachary!'_

He jumped off the hard case he was lounging around on and immediately followed Alberto and his swishy white scarf. While the Mexican Aristocrat was power-walking through the hallway of the arena, Zack was trailing behind, leafing through the pages of his pocket translator.

"Zackree," began Alberto, not even bothering to correct himself. "I am ready to teach you the ways on getting to a woman's heart."

"By a woman's heart, you mean vagina, am I right?" Zack replied, rather enthusiastically.

He was hoping for a good response to his remark. He held up his hand in the air, not caring about how outdated high-fives are now in the modern age. They stopped walking for Alberto to release a hearty laugh before snapping back to a more serious expression on his face.

"Save the jokes for your little show, _perro_," said Del Rio.

Without acknowledging Zack's hand, he continued to pass through the hallway while Zack muttered under his breath, "Maybe I will."

Alberto led Zack into the locker room. The Internet Champion entered the premises and looked around the place. He thought of the room as some sort of dojo and Del Rio was his sensei, the Pat Morita to his Ralph Macchio.

"So, what are you gonna teach me?" he asked. "How to act around the ladies? Any secret moves I could learn? Any weird Mexican hip gyrations that I should be aware of?"

"Get the stuff out of my bag," commanded Alberto.

Zack seemed confused. He wondered if the Mexican Aristocrat kept some material tools in picking up women and wanted to share it to the Internet Champion.

"What?"

"You're my personal assistant, remember? So assist me in fixing my gear for my match tonight. Get the stuff out of my bag. _¿__Comprendes?_"

Zack remembered the deal. He remembered agreeing to it and proposing it in the first place. He solemnly nodded to his master. Del Rio gave Zack a little trademark wink before turning around to leave the room.

"I will be right back. I have to take care of something," he said.

As soon as the locker room door shut closed, Zack looked down upon his own trunks with an exasperated sigh.

"I know, broski. You'll have your chance soon."

Zack rummaged through Alberto's sleek, Kenneth Cole luggage and picked out a set of trunks with some knee pads and boots. Moments later, Del Rio made his return to the room. Zack was expecting an encouraging and appreciative nod from the Mexican but he could only see a scrunched up face of disappointment.

"Gold knee pads with gold trunks?" Del Rio questioned. "What am I to you? A walking _enchilada_?"

Without any further questions, Zack sighed and traded the trunks with a white pair in the bag. He lined up the white trunks, white knee pads and gold boots in front of Del Rio who looked slightly more pleased with the selection. He put aside his scarf on the floor and started to button down his dress shirt.

"Do you, uh, want me to leave?" Zack asked humbly.

"You can if you want to." he replied while stripping off his shirt and suit jacket combo, revealing his muscular curves. He turned his head to his protégé with a smug grin on his face.

"I'm not an insecure man because I have no reason to be. You see me in gold or white trunks every week. I see you in your blinding purple."

Zack watched Del Rio unbuckle his belt with much speed.

"But you're going to change your, um, into..." Zack couldn't speak straight and he couldn't find the words to describe the awkwardness of the situation.

"I say to you this, Zackree. If you can take your clothes off around a man without any shame," he replied, dropping his belt and sending his trousers to the ground. "You can take your clothes off around a beautiful woman."

Zack immediately looked down on the ground, avoiding eye contact with Del Rio's nether region.

"This is really awkward, bro."

"I'm not forcing you to stay, _tonto_. You can wait for me outside."

Alberto made a small, shooing motion at the door. Zack didn't have any second thoughts on following the command. He opened the door swiftly and slithered through the small crevice he made at the doorway. He felt like he had an out-of-body experience in Alberto Del Rio's private locker room. He leaned his back against the shut door and looked down on the floor. He pondered upon his master's words.

"If you can take your clothes off around a dude, then you have no problem taking your clothes off around a chick," he paraphrased in a manner he understood the most.

He looked up and to his surprise; he saw the Chickbusters, AJ and Kaitlyn, stopping in their tracks and passing him weird, judgmental looks. Realizing what he just said out loud, that reaction was certainly not surprising.

"Ha! Shit my dad says," he blurted out. "Am I right?"

Zack didn't need any more awkwardness in his life. He watched the Chickbusters let out a small chuckle before moving on from the scene. After that moment, he sighed and buried his face in his hand. He decided to use the downtime to study more of the Spanish vocabulary.

Minutes have passed and Alberto Del Rio has emerged from the locker room in his full wrestling attire and trademark white scarf.

"_¡__El jefe!_" Zack exclaimed in his American accent. "_¡__Tu ver mismo un rey!_"

Del Rio raised an eyebrow at Zack. He couldn't fully comprehend what his new personal assistant was saying. He wanted to correct his grammar right then but he was considerate. He simply sighed and shook his head.

"Close enough," he said.

Zack felt accomplished. He put two thumbs up and flashed a goofy grin. Alberto snapped his fingers and motioned for Zack to follow him through the hallway. They were on their way to the gorilla position for Del Rio's match against one Sin Cara.

"And don't introduce me in Spanish, _por favor_," Alberto requested. "I don't want my beautiful mother tongue to be dragged through the dirt by your muddy American voice."

Zack didn't have any time to react. The agents were motioning for him to come out through the curtains for the ring announcing deal. He came out to cheers from the live crowd and he appreciated that. But inside, his mind was busy thinking, _'Was it something I said?'_


End file.
